We at The Athletic feel a deep sense of responsibility to our readers and strive to be the best public service we can.
Just this week, for example, we watched four Premier League games over four days to gauge the sentiment of fans and clubs heading into the new season.
We also traveled around the country to tell the inspiring story of lost football stadiums.
Also, and arguably the most arduous and soul-draining task, I watched every single minute of every video on Cristiano Ronaldo’s new official YouTube channel so that you didn’t have to. Yes, I know. You’re welcome.
The channel launched a few days ago and, as of this writing, has already garnered over 40 million subscribers, referred to in Ronaldo’s videos as “siuuuubscribers.” That’s the sound we’re hearing of you rolling your eyes.
The video is titled “UR Cristiano,” which means “You Are Cristiano.” Of course, you’re not Cristiano, but he is Cristiano. He’s not a very shy boy, so, as you might expect, many of the 12 videos posted so far (and the many “short” ones) showcase a powerful, relentless focus on how incredible he is.
Actually, it’s not all about him: We also meet his partner Georgina (there’s a theme here, as you may have spotted before in her own Netflix series, I am Georgina) and his eldest son, Cristiano Ronaldo Jr. (the least surprising baby name we’ve ever heard).
But in general, this is just the latest step in the evolution of Ronaldo’s apparently unstoppable ego, an insurmountable path of astonishing self-glorification that will probably only end with him buying the moon and writing CR7 on it in letters so big they can be seen across the galaxy.
Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at some video titles:
“Discover all about us. Who will win?” (No one wins, Cristiano. You just get a little better each time.) “This is how it feels when I discover paradise… Saudi Arabia’s Red Sea Project.” (Not a contractually obligated advertisement for Saudi Arabia.) “This is how I manage the pressure of being Cristiano.” (They often say the first sign of insanity is speaking in the third person.)
The videos vary in length from 24 seconds to three and a half minutes, but if you’re hoping for meaningful insight into basic things like how Ronaldo became one of the greatest players of all time, what it took to win the Champions League and Ballon d’Or five times, or who his toughest opponents were, then you’re unfortunately looking in the wrong place.
There’s not even a summary of last weekend’s 1-1 draw between Al Nasr and Al Raed, nor any comments on the goal scored against goalkeeper Meshari Snur (who, incidentally, doesn’t yet have a Wikipedia page).
It was filled with short clips of him laughing forcefully, looking a little awkward for the camera, using the word “siuuu” a lot, and talking about how amazing he was.
He scored some of his goals for Portugal on SIUUUMETER, showed the kids the award for fastest growing YouTube channel (over 20 million subscribers in 24 hours), and then sat down with Georgina to chat about just how amazing he is. Seriously.
Going deeper
How Ronaldo made the iconic ‘SIU!’ celebration his calling card
“Like everything you do, I think this is a promising project that is sure to be successful,” Georgina improvised. “With your dedication and the magnetism you have and the curiosity you elicit from your fans and the whole world, this is sure to be a success. I have no doubts.”
It’s completely normal to feel nauseous.
Ronaldo responded: “It’s a pretty big project so I expect your support too. You have a lot of male followers and a lot of female followers too.”
This article is supposed to explain the channel, but to be honest, the text is just copied verbatim, without any explanation. I leave it to you to figure out for yourself.
But wait a minute. Here’s a video called “This is how I overcame adversity in my life.” Hmm, interesting. It’s only 45 seconds long, but it might have some substance.
“I think everything that happens in life happens for a reason,” Ronaldo said in a voice-over in English during a press conference. “It goes without saying that I’ve had bad periods in my career. Regrets? I don’t think there’s any time in life for regrets. Life goes on, we learn from it. Whether things are going well or not, it’s part of our evolution as human beings.”
Well, philosophical as that goes, then the screen cuts to Ronaldo, having been lightly fouled by France’s Theo Hernandez at this summer’s Euros, getting up with what appears to be an exaggerated head injury.
This is an adversity he has overcome in his life.
“I’m grateful I was able to overcome it,” the video continues, highlighting the foul that didn’t even result in a warning. “When you’re at the top of the mountain, it’s hard to see what’s below. Thankfully, I was able to see a lot, and I’m grateful for that, and it made me a better person.”
He’s a better man after the foul and he’s at the top of the mountain, so I’m glad we got that resolved.
Now, next up is “Cristiano Jr. challenges me with a free kick!”
This should be interesting considering Ronaldo’s record for free kicks taken in major international competitions is one goal in 60 attempts.
Wait, look, he scores on his first try! Amazing. A shot into the top corner from 20 yards out. That was definitely a one-take shot.
Cristiano Ronaldo fans hoping for can’t-miss insights may be disappointed (Yaser Baksh/Getty Images)
Now it’s time to actually learn something. We need substance, and apparently that can only come from “Nadal or Djokovic? Boxing or UFC? NBA or NFL? These are my passions!”
In the one-minute video, Ronaldo has his hands in his pockets and tilts his head towards his favourite sports and people. (Spoiler alert) He loves the NBA, UFC, tennis, F1, Michael Jordan, The Rock and Tom Brady. He loves the underdog, that’s our Cristiano. He also completely ignores the question of Djokovic or Nadal, answering neither and completely ignoring it. It’s ridiculous.
We skip ahead to the Saudi Arabia advert, in which Ronaldo says that the Red Sea Project (a luxury tourism development of 90 islands off the west coast of Saudi Arabia) is his favourite place because it would be recognised anywhere in the world, notes that he loves the tranquility, and then encourages “everyone from around the world” to visit.
I am losing my desire to live here. Try the story he says will reveal “everything” about him and his wife.
This is a Mr and Mrs game, this time dubbed with American English accents. Remember, I said I’m going to find out all about them. This must be good.
Which brings me to the question of what Cristiano’s favorite song is. What are we going to put on there? “Loser” by Beck? “Where Is My Mind” by Pixies?
Yes. Georgina says “changes every summer.” Ronaldo says “nothing.” Turns out he doesn’t like music. Good.
Ok, that’s enough for one day of internet use.
What’s the problem, you might say? It’s just a bit of fun. Over 40 million people like it, most of them probably kids. Maybe they’re targeting the kids market here. Right. Come on, Cristiano. Just be you.
But discerning football fans hoping for a Louis Theroux-esque examination of one of the most successful sportsmen of all time will be sorely disappointed, as this vanity project has absolutely no substance and, in short, is a complete waste of adult time.
But thanks to The Athletic, it won’t be a waste of your time. You’re welcome.
(Top photo: YouTube/@cristiano)