Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question about Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a stay-at-home mom to a 19-month-old boy. My husband and I are okay with some exposure to electronic devices, but we try to limit our son’s screen time. For cultural reasons, I live with my in-laws. Both my grandmother and grandfather take out their phones as soon as my son approaches. They allow my son to watch videos on YouTube for hours and call it quality time with him. My husband and I have been trying to explain to his parents, sometimes gently and sometimes firmly, that they need to limit his screen time. They ignore all our explanations and offer screen time during meal times, when he is happy, angry, etc. This has become such an issue that I feel I have no control over my child’s discipline.
— Frustrated with cell phones
To those of you who are feeling frustrated
You need to convincingly educate your in-laws about the harms of screen time. They probably wouldn’t smoke in the same room as your son or let him ride in the car without a car seat. If they’re YouTube fans, have them search “the effects of screen time on kids” on YouTube. They’ll hear about dopamine production, increased stress levels, potential problems with brain development, and more. If they enjoy reading, send them information about the Mayo Clinic and the American Psychological Association.
You and your husband need to do everything in your power to convince your in-laws that they are actually harming your child. If they don’t listen to you, call in the professionals (childcare provider, pediatrician, etc.). Treat unlimited screen time as the harm it is. If you see them blowing smoke in your son’s face, you will take them out of the room. They will soon begin to understand how seriously you feel about it.
I agree that a little bit is OK, but screens shouldn’t be banned entirely. (For reference, the World Health Organization recommends limiting screen time for 1- to 2-year-olds to one hour per day, saying “less is more.”) Screens are useful when you want to keep your child occupied while you do something else, but those dreams should be short-lived, and the content they watch should be appropriate for their age group; it shouldn’t be any old stuff on YouTube.
Breaking your stepparents’ patterns isn’t easy; you have to be firm over and over again. Parenting (and grandparenting) without screens is even harder. Try offering age-appropriate toys and activities to do with your kids instead of phones. Maybe offering a few books to read instead will make things a little easier for everyone. You could even ask them to pick out their own books at the bookstore or library, so they feel some control. But I’m not going to sugar coat it; this is hard.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
We are a family with two small children (ages 2 and 4) living in Australia. We have no cousins and none of our close friends have children. It’s hard to find parents who we really get along with and have similar parenting styles. How do we make parent friends?
—Friend of a parent
Dear friends,
Making parent friends is not easy, and finding like-minded friends who have similar parenting styles is even harder. Personally, I’ve found that proximity and repetition are two things that help foster friendships between new parents.
Visit a local playground or playground and talk to other parents. Meeting other parents who live nearby removes geographic barriers to friendship.
If your child participates in any sort of organized activities or daycare, that’s also a great starting point – these are regular events where you know they’ll see the same people every week/day and they can build relationships.
It’s also worth asking yourself why you want friends who are parents in the first place. If you’re the first in your friend group to have kids, maybe you’re looking for an empathetic person who understands the chaos of a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. Or maybe you’re looking for a playmate for your kids so you don’t have to spend 100% of your time with them. When you think of “parent friends,” the idealized picture in your mind might be one of adults drinking wine together in harmony, kids playing in peace, and everyone staying in contact for decades to come. But friendships don’t have to be perfect to be valuable, and figuring out what your top priorities are here can help you broaden your search.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 5 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. My daughter is fairly reserved, thoughtful, sensitive and sweet. My son is very silly (loves to repeat himself for attention), very stubborn (has trouble sharing), very talkative and emotional. He tends to obsess over everything we do and look for reasons for it, which means he is a drag on the whole family, including my partner, his father.
I’ve been getting worried about how his behavior is affecting our daughter. She is pretty calm about his outbursts and general intensity (trying to tell her what to do, telling her that her favorite fantasy creatures aren’t real, cutting her off, pushing her around, interrupting her, etc.). His father and I try not to let him get away with it, not just for our daughter’s sake, but for his own sake too. But she’s recently become a lot more vocal about her brother’s “naughtiness” – how he’s taking up a lot of her time emotionally, and how hard it is to deal with him. I get it. It’s really hard for me, too. I sometimes have to put a stop to fun activities because of his behavior, but I try to accept the consequences of his actions as his own (and then I talk to her about it, acknowledge that she’s a caring and kind sister, and then I set up some one-on-one time outs or something like that).
To what extent is this normal, and how can I create a safe environment for them to thrive? Is it my job to help my daughter understand that if she is close to her brother, she may have to accept some things he does. I don’t want to choose to ignore his behavior for trivial reasons (like “he’s a boy”), but I don’t have full control over him.
—Confused Mom
Michelle Herman
My granddaughter is coming to stay with us for a few weeks, but I’m worried about her suitcase.
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Dear Confused Person:
My granddaughter is coming to stay with us for “a few weeks,” but I’m worried about her suitcase. My daughter is asking me questions about my past and I think my response may have hurt her. My wife picked the worst possible time to tell me a sexual secret. I need a non-horrible way to tell my new neighbor that I don’t want to play with her kids.
The first question is easy: is this normal? Thinking about the dozens of parents with two kids I know, 90 percent of them fit this pattern. Obviously, because of the age difference, the younger child always seems more willful in comparison. In your family’s case, there is a big growth spurt in that year, when the children grow from 5 to 6 years old. But the younger sibling needs to do something to differentiate himself from the older, more mature sibling, and by acting up or being mischievous, he gets the attention he craves. Your son may be an extreme example of this attention-seeking behavior. As he gets older, it should subside. If his behavior doesn’t improve, it’s worth consulting a pediatrician about a diagnosis, just to be sure.
It sounds like you’re doing all the right things in terms of how to actually handle this at this point. The balance is making sure your daughter knows how much you appreciate her patience, but without sowing any seeds of disrespect for her brother. Giving her some one-on-one time with you would be a great reward for all the pain she’s endured because of her brother’s behavior.
One thing I didn’t understand from your question is how your son is dealing with all of this. Does he understand that his actions have consequences? Make sure to offer positive encouragement when he behaves modestly on his own.
—Greg
More advice from Slate
My mom is a “my way or nothing” type of woman who resents any suggestion that there might be room for improvement. I recently had my first child (my mom’s third grandchild). Unlike me, my mom is very close with my brother and he relies heavily on my mom for childcare. A lot of the childcare happens at my mom’s house and both my mom and dad smoke in the house. My mom also feeds my nephews tons of processed foods, keeps the TV on all day, and lets them use the iPad all the time. I’d love for my mom to be a part of my daughter’s life, but how can I maintain my boundaries?