It was only a matter of time before Fat Bear Week turned violent.
The annual online tournament pitting heavy fork-lifting bears against their well-dressed siblings ended after contestant 469, an adult male bear known as Patch, killed contestant No. 402, an adult female. , which had a late start this year.
The gruesome crime was caught on one of the cameras streaming Fat Bear’s activities in Katmai National Park and Preserve in Alaska, and officials announced that the tournament schedule would be released Monday night. It has been postponed.
Fat Bear Week bear competitors must be provided with guns.
Bracket was released Tuesday following the bear community’s traditional one-day day of mourning (what urologists call “Grrrrrrrace day”). Fat Bear Week 2024 is currently underway. The event allows people to vote for the bear they think “best represents the fatness and success of brown bears.”
But this shocking wave of bear-on-bear violence makes me believe that major changes are needed at this beloved event. Park personnel must provide guns to bears.
Fat bears are literally trying to survive. Why not arm them?
Katmai National Park spokesperson Matt Johnson said in a statement: “National parks like Katmai protect not only natural wonders, but also harsh realities. Each bear seen on webcam is competing with other bears for survival.”
That’s correct. These jumbo bears are truly wild, living their lives, eating as much as they can, growing spectacularly large, and trying to survive in a world full of harsh realities. And all it takes is one badass bear like Patch to destroy everything.
Just imagine for a moment how differently things might have played out if the Bear 402 had been equipped with a Ruger Super Redhawk Alaskan revolver with a triple lock cylinder. She would have at least had a chance to fight Patches.
Are liberal policies causing a wave of immigrant bear crime? Yes, certainly.
But no, these fat bears are left as sitting ducks, probably due to politically correct park policy. Certainly park officials know that only a good bear with a gun (and foot dexterity enough to pull the trigger) can stop a bad bear without a gun. .
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As this tragic Fat Bear Week unfolds, we are left with many questions. Who was Patches? Was he legally in Alaska? Or was he one of the dangerous Canadian bears that the Biden administration has allowed to roam wild across the porous Alaska-Canada border?
What can we do to stop this wave of immigrant bear crime that threatens the very essence of our Fat Bear Week?
The answer is simple and deeply American: guns. There are many, many guns. (Maybe a wall along the Alaska-Canada border, but for now let’s start with guns.)
Surely nothing bad will happen if you give every bear a gun
Each Fat Bear Week participant should be provided with a rifle and handgun, in addition to several rounds of Fat Bear-sized ammunition. It is. Because those in Fat Bear Week look great on fat bears. (For that matter, it could be a bear.)
For purposes of the contest, Katmai National Park and Preserve plans to enact a self-regulatory law against bears. Scoring for the Fat Bear Week tournament is adjusted to account for the number of “potentially threatening” bears the rounded carnivore shoots. There are no points deducted for misfires. That is the price of freedom and security.
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The most American solution to any problem is to provide firearms.
Once the competition is over, the remaining bears will keep their guns and any future acts of bear gun violence or den shootings will be blamed on a “bear mental health crisis.” Dew.
This is the only way to make Fat Bear Week great again and safe again.
Let’s all come together as Americans and do the most American thing we can to help this big bear. They wildly exaggerate what’s actually happening to make it sound scary, and then add guns to make it all worse.
God bless America and the fat bears!
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