It’s a tragic story: The opening ceremony of the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris on Friday was so chaotic that a local dancer botched the can-can.
Bang bang!
What were the French thinking?
I can not understand!
Reimagined from the usual arena spectacle into a floating procession down the Seine, the event was as dull, ill-conceived and eventful as a joyless Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
It’s not just because of the heavy rain.
The whole poncho-clad celebration felt unnecessarily divisive.
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For example, our international team of talented athletes, including our own outstanding U.S. team, was spread across at least 85 separate boats.
Is it the image of a continuous line-up of diverse, impeccable athletes, always in motion?
We switched to Disney rides.
The enthusiastic crowd was spread out over nearly four miles, so their proud cheers were barely audible.
The Olympics, of course, and watching the athletes savor this special moment brought tears to my eyes.
I was moved when I heard an opera singer sing the French national anthem so perfectly.
The cauldron recreated as a flaming hot air balloon was wonderful.
The Olympic team traveled by boat. Getty Images
However, the entertaining performance that took place over four hours was disappointing in every sense of the word.
Nothing worked.
As was the case in London, Beijing, Sydney, Rio and Tokyo, was there anything awe-inspiring or even remotely memorable in the cluttered staging?
no.
The fake enthusiasm of NBC’s hosts, including Kelly Clarkson, for their hackneyed material is Emmy-worthy.
Lady Gage performed in French while being escorted by feather-wielding dancers. Getty Images
In one of several mysterious incidents in France on Friday, a CGI submarine carrying Universal’s Minion sank in the Seine River.
Those funny yellow Tic Tacs were apparently invented by the French.
It’s almost the same as Notre Dame.
In another crazy scene, two men and a woman in garish Technicolor dreamcoats are about to engage in a love triangle when they slam a door on the camera.
Why?!
Three French guys try threesome. NBC
Twelve years ago, while London produced a spectacular spectacle in a gigantic stadium and a breathtaking depiction of the dawn of Britain’s Industrial Revolution, Paris had an awkwardly recorded video of a mime bellboy dancing through a Louis Vuitton factory.
By the time Marie Antoinette’s severed head started singing along to the heavy metal music, my finger was on the “off” button on the remote control.
There was star power coming from North America.
Lady Gaga (whose real name is Stefani Germanotta, or Lasagna in French) performed “Mon Truc En Plumes” on the riverbank, for some reason, while dancers clumsily waved pink-feathered fans at her.
The grand finale was heartwarming, with Celine Dion’s long-awaited comeback, even performing at the Eiffel Tower. She has been open about her rare neurological condition called Stiff Person Syndrome, which has hindered her ability to sing. Dion’s voice was sweet and sublime, but she wasn’t yet ready to sing “My Heart Will Go On.”
Celine Dion is back. NBC
But where, I wondered, were the famous French singers and actors? Had the birthplace of Molière, Edith Piaf and Sarah Bernhardt become culturally desolate, forced to turn to Americans and Canadians for glamour?
Now cut to Juliette Binoche smoking a cigarette and Jean Reno munching on a croissant. Does it get more French than that?
Participants gathered at the sparkling Eiffel Tower and the opening ceremony finally began.
It’s no original idea that Paris is one of the most beautiful and romantic cities on earth: the Louvre, the Hotel de Ville, and other Parisian architecture outshine any living flesh and blood person.
Moving the show from the stadium to the Seine was a unique and well-intentioned idea from a historically unconventional country.
But not all revolutions are successful.