MILWAUKEE — Gamer Annette Hutchinson would sit in her local bar for hours, signaling to other patrons that she was genuinely interested in someone coming over to talk about the legend of Elden Ring.
“I didn’t dress up to come to this bar for nothing,” Annette tweeted in frustration. “I’ve been playing Elden Ring nonstop for days and I absolutely have to talk to someone about this because I made sure I was wearing the best Elden accessories and I have to tell them I’m winning the fashion spirit of this bar. I’ve been sitting here making eye contact and smiling with everyone, waiting for someone to come up and ask why Marika destroyed Elden Ring so I can explain my theory that it wasn’t because Godwin was assassinated during the Night of the Black Knife, but because Marika was actually trying to destroy Greater Will’s influence, and they’re coming at me.”
Other patrons at the establishment took to social media to express their displeasure at the “confusing girl” sitting at the bar.
“This hottie was sending me signs, so I approached her,” said Zachary Gunn, who had come to play darts with some friends. “I gave her my best pick-up line, but she was just talking nonsense. She said our destinies are guided by the stars, so at first I thought she was really into astrology, but then she started talking about all these gods and ancient giants and being touched by divine grace. When she started talking about our souls being in our anuses, I walked out and went back to playing darts. I think she was trying to convert me to a cult or something.”
Unfortunately for Annette, it seemed like nobody in the bar had even played Elden Ring, let alone shared the same appreciation for its opaque world-building. Except for one person.
“I told my friends it would work,” said Ernest Golby. He attracted Annette’s attention by wearing a black T-shirt with “Try it on your finger, make a hole” custom printed on the front. “No one believed me. Everyone said it was embarrassing and would alienate people who might be interested, but I didn’t want public attention. I’m here to talk about how Dragon is forming a cult to trick people into committing genocide. Tonight’s going to be my night.”
At the time of writing, Ernest and Annette are still sitting at the bar, theorizing out loud about what the loincloth’s item description means for a deeper understanding of the lore.
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