Sometimes I worry that there is no hope for humanity. This is especially true on Monday mornings.
I hate Mondays. Like the famous cartoon cat named Garfield, I’ve always wondered why. There’s no reason for Garfield to hate Mondays. He doesn’t have to wake up at an unreasonable hour every Monday morning to pretend he’s a normal, productive member of society. He doesn’t have to recover from a weekend of DJing at dance clubs until the early hours of the morning. He doesn’t need to take a shower, wear proper clothes, or consume enough caffeine to stay awake for the entire Monday sales meeting. You see, I have a cat and I’m pretty sure she won’t wake up until Monday afternoon.
Shane Brown
There’s no reason for Garfield to hate Mondays. I won.
Last Monday was especially hateful considering it started with me waking up 15 minutes before my alarm clock. That’s 40 minutes of prime, grade-A wasted sleep. So what is a person to do who lies with blurred vision, waiting for the deafening screams of rudeness? This guy started his Monday by making the worst possible decision.
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I checked Twitter. (Or X, or whatever Elon wants to be called these days.)
At one time, Twitter would have seemed like a good idea. I’m sure the creators thought this would be revolutionary. Just imagine. A huge social network where people can exchange ideas, share discussions, and comment on anything. One giant forum to bridge gaps, cross divides and bring people together. There’s just one thing they forgot to take into account. It’s just that most people are terrible.
Twitter has always been a little weird, but I used to be fine with it. I took part in one of those simple but important pastimes. I stalk celebrities and hope they interact with me. Yes, a team of technical masters spent years perfecting Twitter’s mechanics and algorithms to power one of the most paradigm-changing communication tools of our time. I’m trying to use that tool to get Debbie Gibson to relate to my tweets. One time, I had Seth Rogen retweet one of my posts. I got a response from Patton Oswalt once. For a while, Britney Spears (or whoever was running her social media accounts, to be honest) was following me. It’s the little things in life, people.
Elon Musk then bought Twitter and relaxed the rules, and Twitter is now a morass of trolls and chaos. Twitter’s algorithm fed me posts from fellow music geeks, artists I admire, and interesting takes on interesting things. Lately, my feed has been nothing but graphic videos of Republicans yelling at Democrats, Democrats yelling at Republicans, crazy people yelling at no one in particular, and, inexplicably, street fights. Neat. That’s not really my scene anymore. But sometimes, like on a sleep-deprived Monday morning, I forget that fact and just log in without thinking.
Here are the first three tweets that were waiting for me (seriously).
The first came from a random account that claimed to have secret footage of Michelle Obama in a compromising position with disgraced hip-hop mogul Diddy. Hmm. Of course, they didn’t actually show the video. They just claimed to have it, and the thought is that if it were to eventually leak out, the entire US government would collapse. can’t wait. It’s especially interesting because I think just a month ago this same account tweeted that they had proof that Michelle Obama was male. And a month before that, they claimed Michelle Obama was a shape-shifting reptilian alien. She’s obviously very busy.
Tweet 2 was from someone debunking an “unbelievable” story: the claim that country superstar Garth Brooks is actually a serial killer. Hmm, that’s unbelievable, okay. But apparently all you have to do is cross-reference a map of Garth’s tour dates with a national database of missing persons cases, and you’ll find that Garth the Ripper is roaming the streets looking for victims in every town he plays in. It becomes “obvious.” At least that’s the case with Chris Gaines. Is it ridiculous? Maybe…but this is a guy who brags publicly that the sun won’t come down until it comes up. Make a reservation, Danno.
The third tweet was my favorite. If the media wasn’t controlled by The Man, this bombshell statement would have made headlines. No matter who it is. I hope to meet The Man someday. I don’t think it’s important enough to attend a meeting here in the office (sigh). Anyway, here’s some serious health advice from Twitter News Network’s Some Random Dude: Everyone needs to start smoking now. According to this man, our government’s efforts to curb smoking are not designed to improve the health and well-being of our people. No, they want us to quit smoking. Because we realized that nicotine destroys the nanorobots that governments have secretly implanted in us through vaccines and water supplies.
Yeah, bad news, guys. We are all full of tiny nefarious microscopic robots built into us by the Deep State for their nefarious reasons. oh. These robots must have good battery life. I think I’ve replaced the batteries in my TV remote control about three times since the coronavirus outbreak. If I have them, it’s definitely not solar powered. Because my ambition in life is to see as little sunlight as possible. However, despite the efforts that scientists put into developing the evil microscopic robot, they were unable to protect it from the horde of Virginia Slims, its most feared enemy. All it takes to disable a robot is a bad smoking habit. We’ve come a long way, baby.
While these tweets were silly and funny, likely coming from random bot accounts in China or Russia, the real horror was in the comments. Dozens of legal, actual people were lining up to tweet their heartfelt agreement and support for this nonsense. Seriously. As I walk down the street, I now wonder if every third stranger I pass firmly believes that Michelle Obama is a shape-shifting lizard. A man shared a photo of his Garth Brooks records next to a bonfire to protest the singer’s brutal assault. I saw an unrelated tweet from a woman asking for advice on how to treat her 12-year-old son’s sudden onset of hives. I counted at least four people who replied, “Have you tried giving your son nicotine?”
I really wanted to believe that humans really aren’t this stupid. I needed to rediscover hope for humanity. I made the mistake of closing Twitter and going to the post office. I’ll explain more about that next week (in case Garth doesn’t get me the first time).
Shane Brown writes for the Dispatch Argus and the Quad-City Times. Please contact us at sbrown@qconline.com.
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