Donald Trump’s reelection campaign currently appears to be 50% incoherent drivel and 50% deeply racist lies. This mixture raises the question of whether Trump and his running mate, J.D. Vance, are really trying to win the election.
Luckily, I know the answer. This is a 100% authentic transcript of a recent Trump campaign strategy meeting, provided to me by one of my Republican sources, a source I have, but don’t have at all.
So, folks, let’s start with the most important news first: We’re on track. And we are definitely going to Make America Great Again. Or is it “again”? What’s the slogan now? Never mind. It doesn’t matter.
JD Vance, you do a great job spreading racist lies.
Let’s start with J.D. Senator Vance, you’ve been hitting it big time by saying some outrageous things about Haitian immigrants in Springfield, Ohio. Very clever, complete fake, hateful nonsense. We love it.
Not only have you disrupted life in a small Midwestern city and terrorized a population of hard-working, legal immigrants, but you have also forced the Wall Street Journal to write an article showing that all of your claims are fabricated. You know our slogan: “When the news media and readily available information tell us we lie, we win!”
A big round of applause for JD, because even in the face of harsh criticism and facts, he continued to push this dehumanizing, fabricated narrative, which likely helped solidify the votes of men over 40 who are no longer invited to their family’s Thanksgiving dinner.
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On Wednesday, when confronted with the so-called facts that Haitian immigrants in Springfield are in the U.S. legally, JD ignored reality and basic human decency, saying, “I’m still going to call them illegal immigrants.”
Boom! The previously undecided self-described racist has jumped ship to the Trump/Vance camp, right in line with our primary motto: “Facts are stupid, you whining losers!”
Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders, you came out of nowhere and rightly mocked Governor Harris for not having children.
We’d also like to give a little nod to Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who appeared with President Trump at a town hall in Flint, Michigan. Ms. Sanders mocked Kamala Harris for not having any children of her own, saying, “My children keep me humble. Unfortunately, Kamala Harris has nothing to keep her humble.”
Well done, Sarah! With JD “childless cat-loving woman” Vance leading this effort, we were able to alienate women voters faster than we ever thought possible. Remember, we don’t want those voters. Ladies, wow, right?
A word to all the women in the Trump campaign listening: Remember, you all signed non-disclosure agreements.
We can’t forget that Trump continues to try to turn away voters.
Anyway, let’s look at the big guy who’s not winning any new voters: President Trump. That’s our plan. We’re going to win our way, which is to please only those who have already bought at least one pair of Trump sneakers or two or more Trump Bibles.
After all, our leader has been talking nonsense and confusing everyone. Does what he’s saying make sense? Does he know what he’s talking about? These are the kinds of questions I want voters to ask themselves as we’re weeks away from an election that will say we won even if we didn’t.
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On Fox News Wednesday night, President Trump spoke about his debate with Sen. Kamala Harris, complaining that the moderator corrected him too much and saying the “audience was really fired up.”
That was genius. Because there was no audience at the debate, his new comments left voters wondering if President Trump was hallucinating or suffering from short-term memory loss. Perfect. A true alpha move.
Take a look at the perfect answer the President gave at a Michigan event when he was asked about “the main threats to the future of Michigan’s manufacturing/auto industry” and what he would do “to eliminate those threats.”
His answer: “To me, we have one really big threat, which is nuclear weapons. We have countries that are against us, but they don’t have to be against us. I always say that if you have a smart president, you don’t have a problem with China, Russia, any country. I got along really well with Putin, I got along really well with Xi Jinping, I got along really well with Kim Jong Un of North Korea. Everybody said, ‘I can’t get along with him.’ He liked me, I got along really well with him, and he has a ton of nuclear weapons. But there are really only five countries, and there will be more. … It’s the biggest threat to the world. Not just to Michigan, but to the world.”
This is also perfect: it doesn’t answer the question at all, it allows the candidate to talk about a dictator he loves and respects, and it scares off ill-informed voters who probably didn’t think nuclear weapons were a big threat to the auto industry at this point.
Great job!
To ensure he loses, he must continue to push for a government shutdown.
We have been actively pushing for a government shutdown right before the election, and we all know that that is the smart thing to do.
And in a recent Truth Social post from President Trump, he said, “Illegal immigrants are coming into our country in record numbers, taking jobs from Black and Hispanic people who have been employed for years. This is a devastating blow to our Black and Hispanic patriots.”
It ticks a lot of boxes on our strategy. Disingenuous? Check. Sounds kind of crazy? Check. Only appeals to people who already support us? Check. Super racist? Double check!
My team, you are clearly 110% committed to giving it your all and not caring if we get the most votes in this election, because if we lose, we’ll say we won and leave the rest to our friends in Congress and the U.S. Supreme Court.
So go out there and do some political cheating, and don’t forget the core message of the Trump/Vance campaign: “(Expletive) Voters!”
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